Twinkling lights, the scent of pine, brightly wrapped presents, and a stressed bathroom scale. These are the clues that your holiday season is going great! ...especially the creaking bathroom scale.
A few days ago I was eating pie and started to think, if I was to be reincarnated as an inanimate object, I would definitely not want to be a fork. That would. be. awkward. And then I thought, being a cell phone would suck too. Always riding in butt pockets and having to endure lengthy boring conversations whilst being accosted by bad breath. But then it hit me...the bathroom scale. There can't be a worse option.
Imagine for a second being a bathroom scale during the holidays. First of all, you're likely jammed in the bathroom next to the toilet or under the dark sink. Which isn't pleasant to begin with. But add to that issue... you've seen things. Things that can never be unseen.
And the dreaded Monday weigh-in rolls around. Your heart leaps in joy to be noticed, hoping those murderous glares during the week didn't mean anything lethal. She steps on you. And instantly you know. The creaking gives it all away. Something between hate and heartbreak flashes across her face and she climbs off you, removing her pajamas and socks. And all you can think is, "nope. That's not gonna do it." She steps on you again. Stomps on you. She kicks you. And then she hurls you into the trash can only to haul you out twenty minutes later grumbling about your inaccuracy and ineptitude. Yes, being a bathroom scale would epically suck.
But this is how you know you've been having a fantastic holiday season! And also why you will be making yet another resolution comes New Years to lose 98.2% of your body weight this year.
There are a few ways we can go about losing weight in the next year. One of the most sure-fire ways is of course anorexia. I tried this once. However, after about an hour of starvation, I realized what a dangerous medical state I was in and promptly devoured a pizza. It was terribly dangerous business. I wouldn't recommend it.
Secondly, I've learned there are actually small ways to lose 100 calories here and there throughout the day. For example, opening and closing that refrigerator door throughout the day can add up to 100 calories. Happy day and silver linings! Good for you! Also, cutting a pan of refrigerated fudge may also burn 100 calories. Up to 200 if you put it in the freezer instead! So get cooking. You're welcome.
Lastly, when weighing yourself, I recommend doing it first thing in the morning before you've ate or drank anything. Even before brushing your teeth. You don't want those extra toothpaste particles weighing you down. Also, beforehand, remove all clothing, hair ties, and contacts. I'm sure this helps somehow.
Speaking of gaining weight, there are several scenarios related to this that irritate me to no end. For example, someone who can eat an entire gallon of Schwann's Cookie's'N'Cream, a quarter of a cow, and three pecan pies and never gain a pound. This is not natural. It's suspicious. And these people are not to be trusted.
Also, the people who stand in front of a mirror digging for a compliment and state mournfully, "I'm so fat!" and they are approximately a BMI of 2. The last couple times someone has said this in my presence, I looked them up and down slowly, and said as mournfully as I could manage, "You really are."
I'm not welcome to go to bathrooms with groups of women anymore.
Also, the subject of muffin tops makes me crave muffins.
So from Charity Jean to you, we hope you enjoy the holidays! Appreciate family, love, and of course the love of food. And we're sure that you, like us, will be setting goals for being healthier in 2015 (we might just have something up our sleeves to help with that *cough, cough*). Also, don't forget to be kind to your scale, say tender words to it once in a while, and possibly consider naming it. I have named mine Mindy. It might just be me, but I'm fairly certain in appreciation of my loving gesture, it has taken a pound or two off for me now and then.
What about you? We would loves to hear your pet peeves and irritations regarding weight loss and scales. Aaaaaand go!